I Want An iPhone (Christmas Wish)

by Arden Rogow-Bales

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Happy holidays, everyone!
Here's my gift to you: an old-fashioned Christmas single.

The A-side is "I Want An iPhone (Christmas Wish)" — a modern prayer.

The B-side is "Professor Arden", a strange semi-throwaway (isn't that what B-sides are for?) about how I'm really pedantic and correct everyone's grammar.

(Do you want to know a secret? I almost prefer the B-side. That terrible song is a goshdarn earworm.)

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released December 1, 2013

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Arden Rogow-Bales Toronto, Ontario

Comedy?
Tragedy?
YMMV.

Originals live here; covers/parodies are at
soundcloud.com/user-188579050.

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Track Name: I Want An iPhone (Christmas Wish)
Santa, won't you help me please? (I want an iPhone!)
Can't you see I'm on my knees? (I want an iPhone!)
It's not like me to beg and plead,
But there's one thing I really need,
And no one's gonna buy me one at home!
I want an iPhone!

Every day, when I'm at school, (I want an iPhone!)
The kids all treat me like a fool: (I want an iPhone!)
They tease me when I check the time,
They say, "When's that thing from, '99?
The 80's called to say they want their phone!"
I want an iPhone — oh, Santa, please!

As I go to sleep tonight, (I want an iPhone!)
I pray that by the morning light — I'll have an iPhone!
I'll take it back to school, and then
I know that I'll be cool again,
At least until the next one comes along…
I want an iPhone!
Track Name: Professor Arden
"Here's Professor Arden come to lay shit down,
See Professor Arden take a stroll around,
Join Professor Arden for a walk around the garden,
And salute him as he lays shit down."

I ask myself a question about everything I see,
And every time, the answer is self-evident to me!
If you're yearning for some learning,
Or to amplify your mind,
A teacher more discerning
I am sure you'll never find!
So come and walk beside me
Where the holly and the ivy
Climb the walls together intertwined.

"Here's Professor Arden come to lay shit down," etc.

I’ll teach you the distinction, which you must observe with care,
Between “its” and “it’s”, and “your” and “you’re”, and “there” and “their” and “they’re”.
If you say you *lay* in bed,
I’ll throw an apoplectic fit —
Unless, of course, you mean to say
You’ve *laid an egg* in it!
My obsession with precision
May have earned me some derision,
But frankly, I don’t care a bit.

"Here's Professor Arden come to lay shit down," etc.